


I wonder where your heart came from

by toneelspeler



Series: theory of mind [2]
Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Family, Found Family, Gen, Homosexuality, M/M, POV Second Person, Sexuality, chosen family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-15
Updated: 2017-09-15
Packaged: 2018-12-30 03:26:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12099675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toneelspeler/pseuds/toneelspeler
Summary: It is time to take the care you have received and share it.--Eskild's perspective on Isak Valtersen





	I wonder where your heart came from

Being who you are has taken you a long time. It is not like you had the worst time doing so; your family is remarkably kind and their acceptance was never a true obstacle to overcome. Your own self-acceptance was a different story.

You know what denying yourself the chance to be who you are can do to a person. It infects, it invades, it isolates. You violate yourself the most.

It is through careful observation of others like you that you found some peace; seeing the teacher you adore walking around the marketplace with her hand closely linked with her wife’s hand. Seeing the side character in a horribly cliché teenage show catch the eye of the boy he has been staring at. Going to bars where people become people; not only men nor women with all kinds of sexualities and genders – they become an extension of themselves; a part of a group that expresses themselves freely and told you that you were finally home. You belong.

So when you see that curly-haired boy drunk in one of your favourite establishments looking at an older couple of men, who are old enough to be his father, one of whom is brushing his boyfriend’s cheekbone with his thumb and kissing his other cheek – you know.

It is time to take the care you have received and share it.

–

He arrives with only a back bag of belongings – like he is expecting to have to run away again soon.

He’s very skittish in your apartment, begging you to not tell anyone in the house that he is there.  And you agree to, since no one has the right to know everyone’s deepest secrets.

You had actually spoken to him before. The girls had asked you to. They had asked if you would talk to him to find out whether he was actually gay or not, like it is a game. Later, you had told them that you do not think he is.

You lied.

–

Once he becomes an official member of Kollektivet, you try to get through his walls by just being your very nosy self. You implement yourself into his room as if he was your brother, you joke and you complain; and slowly but surely he seems to accept your presence in his room.

You know that if you are too obvious with your attempts he would scare away again, not letting you even getting an inch of the person behind the persona he has created for himself. For every attempt to make him realise that it is okay to say that a boy is handsome, you get a grumpy huff. But you also get a seemingly unassuming question about how to know if handsome boys are gay. Your answer silences him. It is all in the small victories.

You are trying to be an example, someone to observe, like so many others have done for you.

–

The shoes in the hallway are a bigger size than all of the other residents’ of the apartment. You have heard laughter coming from his bedroom, of multiple people, smelling the faint scent of weed that creeps under the door. He has not left his room for hours, so you try to give him a nudge. He tells you that he is sleeping.

It seems like it is going well.

When you meet an excruciatingly handsome boy in the bathroom the next morning, you know it is going well, even if he cannot tell you yet.

It won’t be long now.

–

Halfway through that week, he seems more chipper than he has ever been since you have known him; the tension in his shoulders is gone, he smiles more easily and he  _even_ pays the rent you have been begging him for.

You decide on a final nudge; making it clear to him that it is really okay for him to  _talk_ about what is happening. It starts off so well, and you are so very proud of the amount of progress he has made.

Then it all takes a turn for the worse.  _These people_  are your heroes, you  _wish_  you had the courage they had, you have wondered if you would be able to do the same if  _you_  were in their shoes. You try to remain calm and composed, try to make reason, try to not make it too personal.

Still, when you leave his room, you feel like you have failed him.

–

He keeps on sending apologies via text messages because you try to keep out of his way for a few days.

You feel your anger subdue, and you do understand where he came from. It is an insidious enemy, internalised homophobia; it can creep into you over the years and it is hard to get rid of that voice inside your head feeding you lies that make you hate yourself and others like you.

So you answer him; tell him that you two are alright. You have just been busy with your own life, for once.

But you cannot help but notice the growing darkness of the bags under his eyes.

–

Running therapy sessions for all of the residents of the apartment was not necessarily what you had imagined you would be doing when you left your parents’ home, but it is a nice perk. You have a lot of love to give.

After months of inability to talk about his feelings, he finally comes to you. It is a bit of a surprise, you had almost given up ever getting to know the person beyond his walls. The bags under his eyes seemed to have lightened up immensely. It is hard to guess whether he wants your opinion or wants some comfort. So what you do is honesty. You are honest in your advice, something that hurts a little too much, you can see it in his eyes.

He is in way deeper with this Even than you had initially thought.

–

It turns out that you needn’t have worried, because Even suddenly shows up in your apartment once again. Your excitement is through the roof; you want to congratulate them personally on their ability to get their shit together. You silently curse the heavens, like a good friend would, because damn. The boy can cook, smells nice, is interested and is so very thoughtful.

When your grumpy roommate finally arrives, Even kisses him resolutely, and you do not know if he was entirely ready for it but you admire Even’s guts. Noora, however, sees that you guys need to leave them alone, to let them be.

You would have rather stayed and eaten those delicious eggs. But alas, the world is entirely unfair for good-looking people with great personalities, like yourself.

Sacrifices for the greater good must be made.

–

After an hour at the bar where you met him for the first time, while talking to the men he was staring at in envy, you receive a message.

And you know him. If he asks you for help, instead of his friends… it is not a game. It is an emergency. You leave immediately.

When you meet him at home, you push him towards his room to get a change of clothes, while you take the time to get a glass of water from the kitchen. You take a very deep breath before moving towards his room again. He is sitting on his bed, looking lost in every sense of the word. When you ask him what happens, he just tells you that it was all a lie.

Although his eyes are red-rimmed, he is not crying anymore. He breathes very quickly. You sit next to him, putting your arm around his shoulders; you tell him to breathe. His head slumps down onto your shoulder.

You had imagined hugging him for the first time in very different circumstances.

–

The only thing you can do is tell him you’ll be there if you need him. You keep reaching out, you keep talking to him.

You know what it feels like to have your heart broken. But even though you are three years older than him, you realise.

It never felt like this.

–

When you see Even’s shoes in the hallway again, you are relieved and hesitant at the same time. You send him a message to see how he reacts. You need an answer.  _Alt er ok_ is the best thing you have read in a while.

He tells you about Even’s mental illness; how it had impacted them getting together and how it might look going forward. He tells you that they agreed to take it as slowly as they need to; a minute at a time if need be.

You tell him you have never been so proud of him like you are right at that moment. He looks down and blushes, muttering a small thank you.

–

The week after is tough, and you come to see Even in a very different light. He’s strong and brave, and he’s utterly devoted to the happiness of people that he loves. If anything, you are glad that they’ve found each other.

You have always felt like you had to set an example for Isak.

Turns out behind the walls of the grumpiest teenage boy there ever was is the biggest heart you have ever seen.

–

After Isak moves in with Even and Noora gets back together with her… questionable… boyfriend, you feel like everyone is moving on from the apartment except for you and Linn.

You take it harder than you were expecting to. The Kollektiv feels like family to you; a family within the myriad of families you have gathered over the years. You are a person who nurtures, who loves, who cares for people.

At a party where you are introduced to so many different kinds of people and cultures, you keep wondering where your place is going to be, and with whom. Whilst stuffing your face with delicious potatoes to keep the emotions inside, Isak sits down next to you and asks if you are alright.

For once, you fall silent. You decide to tell him the truth; that you feel out of place and sort of lost.

Then he responds in a way you had never expected to hear from the curly-haired boy you met in the gay bar just over a year ago.

_You are family, Eskild. I will never be able to thank or… repay you for what you have meant to me. But you know – I would like to try._

_That is what families do._

**Author's Note:**

> come and find me on tumblr @toneelspeler!
> 
> i love love love their relationship. i'm a sucker for found families.


End file.
